Fighting off the crazy.
I am trying super hard not to act like a crazy person.
My grandmother got sick. I flew to the Philippines for work (with my parents’ blessing). My grandmother passed away. I felt crazy. I pretended it didn’t happen so I could function at work overseas for three weeks.
I ate some of the grossest vegetarian food in the world.
I also ate a lot of Krispy Kreme, because that’s what our guide thought American businesswomen liked to eat. I ate more donuts in three weeks than I had in the previous 15 years.
I saw some of the most gorgeous beaches in the world.
I still felt awful about everything.
When I got back from the Philippines, I learned that my grandmother’s funeral wasn’t for six weeks. There was nothing to do, so we just waited. Then a terrible rainy day came and we went to the funeral home, where the funeral director accidentally left the casket open, despite our request it be closed. There were dolphin statues everywhere. The walls were covered in cracked paint. We went to Arlington National Cemetery and it poured and poured. The wind was so rough that it slammed the plastic awning we were standing under against a metal pole over and over again throughout the service. We couldn’t hear the minister.
Afterward, my husband, sister and I went out for vegan nachos. We all had to work the next day. Not exactly a cure-all.
I started to feel crazier. I worked out twice a day. I did yoga seven days a week. I did cardio seven days a week. I was obsessed with what I was eating. I felt faint a lot. I became convinced I had all kinds of nutritional deficiencies. I went to two conferences focused entirely on food (for work). I ate a lot of cheesecake samples and room service. I came home and did a juice fast just because. I had a terrible time coming off it. I couldn’t eat enough calories for days and then suddenly I couldn’t stop eating.
I went to the Philippines in February. In this whole time, my weight has never fluctuated more than five pounds. I made myself completely miserable with food in either direction and I stayed right where I was. I’m a perfectly healthy weight.
Now I’m just trying to feel less crazy about it.
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